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Monthly Archives: December 2016

The Annual One-Percenter Christmas Gift List

Well, it’s that time of year again: You rush out and buy gifts for everyone you know. And then you come to the realization that you have that one rich friend who lives the life you envy, and can’t figure out what to get them. Then you get into a big funk about it and start to wonder if you should even bother trying to buy a gift for a person who has everything. And then you come to the conclusion: Yes, of course you should! The incoming president is an egotistical billionaire, so if anything, thinking of your One-Percenter pals is going to be more important than ever! And that, readers, is why I’m here: To give you all a decent starting point for what to buy for Christmas for your One-Percent friends. After all, it’s not the gift, it’s the thought, right? Except in their case, it’s also the gift.

Panavision PSR 35mm Film Camera Used to Film Star Wars

I feel almost bad about including this, just because I’m a huge Star Wars freak myself, and this is an honest-to-god piece of real movie memorabilia. It’s not some cheap junk camera that you’re going to use to try to make your own home porn movies. It’s something that you’re going to toss into an out-of-the-way corner of your house to show all the visitors to make yourself feel cool. Think of all the iconic scenes that could have been filmed using this thing: The Cantina scene in Mos Eisley, the trash compactor scene, that big fucking Star Destroyer flying overhead… It would be harder to come up with a set of the more inconspicuous scenes in Star Wars to dissuade you from buying this. This is something ANY movie nut would love to have. And it recently sold at auction for $625,000, which makes it the most expensive vintage movie camera to ever be sold at auction. The big problem with nabbing this for your One-Percent friend should be obvious: There’s only that one right now. So if you’re thinking of trying to pick it up at auction yourself, you should take a knife or a silenced gun and learn how to sneak to the room’s light switch VERY quickly.

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Kopi Luwak Coffee

What we have here is a One-Percent answer to a very common need: Coffee! Coffee is the robust, smoky, bold liquid that wakes us up in the morning, and therefore it’s something your One-Percent friend will find essential to hold onto their One-Percent status and not end up giving it all to a megachurch Minister who is more One-Percent than they are. But you can’t be cheap and buy your everyday Folger’s for your friend. They have exquisite tastes, which means you should go out and buy them a nice pack of Kopi Luwak, the world’s most expensive coffee. A little bit of this coffee will impress your One-Percent pal not only for the price – $600 per pound and $50 per cup – but for the bean collection. Kopi Luwak is from Indonesia, and it comes from beans which were eaten by the common palm civet, partially digested, and then let out the other side. The name of the coffee comes from the Indonesian word for coffee – Kopi – and the local name for the animal – luwak.

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Dussault Apparel’s Trashed Denim Jeans

Let’s be honest: I’m not sure what business your One-Percent friend would be doing moving around among the blue jean-wearing plebes. Anything that can be taken care of can be taken care of on the One-Percent oasis, right? Or if not, surely someone can be hired to run the common errands for them. But oh well, some One-Percenters have certain eccentricities, and when the need to satiate them arises, they can’t go out in their usual velvet and silk ensembles because the regulars can smell it. A good pair of blue jeans is essential camouflage, but surely you don’t plan to go out to Poor Palace or whatever it’s called for a mere $100 pair of the blues, right? Well, Dussault is here for them with a pair of $250,000 jeans that come studded with rubies, diamonds, and rose gold. Surely no one will notice.

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Tod’s Alligator Skin Cover iPad Case

Damn near everything these days is about the iPad. They’re good to conduct business transactions, they’re just plain good for business, and they’re important if that business revolves around legitimate business transactions of the white collar sort involving offshore holding accounts. An iPad, though, is only as good as its casing, which means you can’t just send your One-Percent buddy’s butler to the mall for a cheap Star Wars case to attach to it. You have to go with the good stuff. Tod’s, a luxury firm in Italy – you’ll want to remember that no quality goods have ever come out of Slovakia – hand-makes these cute little iPad cases out of the world’s finest alligator skin and sells them for $4900 apiece. Be sure to get one in every available color: Blue, brown, or tan!

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Hastens Vividus Bed

Sleep is another one of those great universals which no good One-Percenter dares acknowledge. Sleep is for the rich and work is for the poor, right? That’s why a One-Percenter needs a bed that lives up to the wealth they inherited. Hastens presents the Vividus bed, designed in Sweden, which has been described as sleeping on a cloud. It certainly sounds nice, and it will sound even nicer to your One-Percent friend with a $59,750 asking price. It will sound even better to them yet one your friend ganders at the $700 concrete slabs the people who do the work all sleep on.

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Chopard 201-Karat Watch

Yes, it’s pretty easy to keep time these days with everything up to and including your own eyeballs having the ability to keep time digitally, but sometimes you just can’t beat that old retro charm. A good mechanical watch can be a nice little addition to a good power suit, as well as a cool gadget that your geek friend can use to show their love for all things steampunk. This cute little accessory from Chopard, will allow your One-Percent friend to both flash back to the simpler days of Victorian yore while being glittery and ostentatious at the same time. This Swiss watch features a pink diamond of 15 karats, a 12-karat blue diamond, and an 11-karat white diamond, presumably because they decided making it a white diamond somewhere between 12 and 15 karats would have been pushing it. After making those heart-shaped diamonds the centerpieces, Chopard then threw in 163 karats of white and yellow diamonds just to be on the safe side. You know, in case the original three weren’t enough. And I’m going to assume it tells time according to the atomic clock! At least, for $25 million, it fucking better.

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Pear ANJOU Speaker Cables

If you think all cables do the same thing and work the same way, you must be part of that OTHER percentage of people. The Pear Cable Corporation is here for your One-Percent pal with the ANJOU Speaker Cable, a good 12-foot length of cable which Pear says will “allow new levels of sonic accuracy to be explored.” Obviously, you, the 99-Percenter buying this for your One-Percent friend, probably believe the $7250 price tag is there to cover the advertising tagline that’s telling us that. And that a combination of “proprietary hybrid geometry,” “ultra low electrical resistance,” and “fully annealed 99.999% pure oxygen free copper” are what’s allowing these levels to be explored. Dave Clark, an editor for the high-end audio magazine Positive Feedback, said these cables were “very danceable.” Perhaps the best part of getting this gift for your One-Percent friend is that the James Randi Educational Foundation is giving you an opportunity to join the exclusive One-Percent if you get it for them! How, you ask? It’s easy: Just prove beyond any reasonable doubt, or questionable doubt, or really any slight facsimile of a doubt at all that these cables work better than any other cables on the market!

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William Shakespeare’s First Folio

This is a first edition of Shakespeare’s original plays, and like the Star Wars camera up there, it’s a pretty damn cool collectible for literature buffs which needs to be bought at auction. In 2006, it went off for $5.1 million, so be sure you have your little trick with the light switch and silenced gun mastered before tracking it down. If you manage to get ahold of it, this sucker has some priceless words written on it. It was published in 1623, seven years after Shakespeare died, and it has a treasure trove of 12 plays he wrote that were never printed anywhere again, as well as a lot of the favorites you’ve come to know and love. So pony up so your One-Percent friend can speak with the erudite “thous,” “verilys,” “thines,” and “thys” the upper crust was known to speak with before Donald Trump killed all but about 100 words in our wonderfully quirky language. And maybe if there’s a time continuum snag involved here, you can convince your friend to burn the original copy of Romeo and Juliet and fucking rid the planet of it for good.

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Team in the National Hockey League

Okay, we all know nothing excites a One-Percenter more than a new opportunity to make more money hand-over-fist without doing a whole lot, but your friend will almost certainly be disappointed at your cheap-shotting them here. This is a hockey team, after all, and it requires they make an effort to establish the team in the public consciousness; as opposed to a football team, which would make money even if they blew up the stadium during a game. But it’s still a professional sports team, which is always a good opportunity to gouge an entire city. And an NHL team would be comparatively cheap to run. It’s the NHL which is expanding to try to include teams in every city with populations of 100,000, and the ever-thinning talent pool means your friend can be as cheap as they want with the roster because there soon won’t be enough superstar or even starting-caliber players to go around. On your end, to get them the team, the application is $10 million, $2 million of which is non-refundable. Then the franchise fee is $500 million, which is considerably less than the $700 million the National Football League’s newest team cost the city of Houston. Yeah, they might have to do some work to get the team visible, but if even if they blow it, they can always take the team to Canada. Or Tucson. Knowing the commissioner’s line of thinking, probably Tucson.

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LELO INEZ 24-karat Gold Dildo

The very same one recommended by Gwyneth Paltrow, because a list of nice gifts for your One-Percent friend just isn’t complete without a GOOP gift from Miss Gwyneth. Right? Right!

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With thanks to The Most Expensive Journal at most-expensive.com.

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The 2016 Acid Martini Award

The 2016 Acid Martini Award

Ah, language: That thing we use to prevent communication from being reduced to a system of blinking. The trouble, however, begins with the fact that language has a habit of changing and evolving. Today’s rude slang word is tomorrow’s popularly accepted word, which becomes a dictionary term the day after. If you went back to the past, the language even in English-speaking countries would sound like some sort of alien-ese that couldn’t be deciphered by the linguistic experts of either Klingon or Elfish.

It’s at this point that I should pause to remind you that Klingon and Elfish are both fictional languages and that, despite being fictional, they ARE languages. Not like pig latin – which is just an annoying way of revising English – but LANGUAGES, with proper words, pronunciations, sentence structures, and words which condense entire ideas into a singular expression or term. Let that sink in. Also consider the fact that to avoid linguistic confusion between international boundaries, scientists use terms in latin in order to maintain a sense of universality. Latin has been dead in common usage for thousands of years.

That doesn’t mean all the changes will be for the better, though. Slang comes and goes in ridiculous and sometimes ugly trends. That’s why I’ve created the annual Acid Martini Award, which I named after the drink I would serve to anyone I heard using the worst, most annoying slang words in English. I started them a couple of years ago, giving out awards to a battalion of words and phrases that cropped up which I considered an insult to our Germanic lingual roots. Then I relocated, meaning I skipped them last year. But now, this is going to be a yearly thing, as I award the word, phrase, or expression which got under my skin the most during the last year. This year, the winner of the Acid Martini Award is…

Jelly
No, I don’t have anything against your favorite toast spread. But that’s the problem I’m having. If “jelly” were still a reference to something you digested, I would consider it normal and not bother it again. But lately its come to the forefront of my list of annoying truncations: “Jelly” is apparently the truncated way of saying “jealous.”

It’s also a case point for what the oldens hate about the millennials. As far as truncations go, “jelly” has an unpleasant and valley vapidity to it. If the movie Clueless was 20 years younger, Cher and Di would have been spitting it at a rate which would force its viewers to jam rail spikes into their skulls, and the movie wouldn’t be the cult classic it is now. Say it aloud to yourself and you can project the full valley girl picture in front of you.

The greatest absurdity is that “jelly” doesn’t even shorten the word. Both “jelly” and “Jealous” contain the same number of syllables, so it’s not as if you’re even saving yourself a mouthful or any unpleasant things you’re forcing your tongue to do.