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Monthly Archives: December 2017

The 2017 Acid Martini Award

The 2017 Acid Martini Award

Say it once, and you’ve said it a thousand times: Our Chinese overlords are going to be pissed off when they get to the United States and start remaking English. They have a language with two common variations – Mandarin and Cantonese – and we’re soon going to end up adopting one or both of them as a basic way of making a living. We can complain all we want about foreigners coming in and blurring up the lines between our own wonderfully quirky language and their native tongue, but we’re well on the way to being outright owned by China, so better start learning while we can!

While we start becoming polyglots, though, we can do something that precious few of us know how to do: Start learning to speak proper English. English is in danger of being lost forever, and those placing it in the greatest danger are ourselves. The President of the United States, the symbol that the world over sees as a representation of everything about our country, has a vocabulary only big enough to fit inside a single paragraph. So as people in the rest of the world see and hear Donald Trump, they think to themselves, what on Earth about English is worth holding onto? Let it fucking die! And we don’t do English any favors by mudding it up with bullshit words and repurposed terminology. That’s why we need to learn how to speak. I know many people reading this have been inspired by Donald Trump to believe proper English isn’t worth holding onto, but come on! George W. Bush wasn’t verbose, but he made the effort to try. Bush Senior wasn’t bad, and Reagan was brilliant. We need to follow Reagan. Or Obama, if we’re leaning Democratic.

So with that in mind, I present the 2017 Acid Martini Award, named for the drink I would happily serve to anyone I caught using the following affront to English.

Snowflake

Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not talking about snow. I’m talking political speak by right-wing dumbasses who don’t know anything about politics. “Snowflake” is the term adopted by people on the right who whine about the fact that swaths of people who aren’t them are waking up to the fact that they deserve basic human dignity. And they’re all a bunch of white people who are upset that they can’t get away with being racist as hell anymore.

Perhaps the worst thing about this term is that the people using it have managed to get offended by a broadway play, Starbucks cups, and other mundane everyday objects. They’re people who also whine constantly about having their own dignity as Nazis and Confederates – people who are trying to obtain their own dignity through subjugation and outright genocide. Now the American version of Hitler is in office, these assholes have gotten their way, and yet all they can do is find various ways in which the country is trying to oppress them.

Think about it: Starbucks cups vs. real discussions about having laws guaranteeing the right of other people to vote revoked. Yeah, whatever.

 

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The One Percent Gift List 2017

Herry Christmadays everyone! It’s the most expensive time of the year once again! The gift-givingest time of the year! The fatteningest time of the year! Being that time of the year, it’s time to once again go out and shop the shit out of every mall, retail outlet, mom and pop shop, and box store in the hopes of finding those perfect gifts for those perfect people in your lives! Of course, sometimes we all need a little help getting inspired to find a decent gift, which is where lists come in. And holy hell, does Christmas season gives us LISTS! Lists up the cakehole! Lists for your country cousin, your urban cousin, your dog, your secondhand friends, your friends with benefits, all of them!… Except the person who can afford anything. What kind of thoughtful gift can you give to your One Percent friend? Well folks, that’s why I’m here. Your One Percent friends need things that make them feel rich and powerful. You need to plonk some real cash down for them, so let this short list be your beacon!

 

Image result for apple i computer

Apple I Computer

Now, this is just a cool little novelty gift. The thing about household brands is that they all started out somewhere by some nutjob who, rather than inheriting their money like a good One Percenter, did things the HARD way and invented something! Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs created the original Apple I computer in 1971. They made about 150 of them before creating the Apple II. The Apple I came with 4 KB of memory, which could be expanded to 48 KB. It was also equipped with a 1 MHz CPU. The keyboard and monitor had to be supplied by the poor sap who bought it. That means that the Apple I is completely useless today, which means you could probably get it for spare change is its value was applied in today’s financial terms. But this thing was created in 1971, and apparently it’s now a collector’s item. So when one went on sale at Christie’s in London recently, it cost $210,000, which is probably the 1971 price of $666.66 (yes, seriously) adjusted for inflation. And be sure to buy your friend the keyboard and a TV to act as the monitor as well. They’re in the One Percent. Don’t be a fucking cheapass.

UNICEF Cargo Flight T-shirt

UNICEF Cargo Flight T-shirt

Yes, your friend is a One Percenter. But like their big hero Donald Trump, they feel the need to do something to show that THEY CARE. Remember when Trump went to Puerto Rico and gave paper towels out to people who lost everything in the flood? Yeah, your friend has to do something like that, but, you know, without having to interact with anyone. What to do? Get one of these $300,000 T-shirts. Show a little bit of support for UNICEF without actually taking any time to commit to or, you know, DO anything. Everyone will know they care!

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Super Hello Kitty Jewel Doll

Yes, Hello Kitty is a kids’ item, but your friend hasn’t been so busy doing their One Percent business to have forgotten about their kids, right? Hello Kitty is always popular everywhere! This cute little kiddie toy was created in 2009 to celebrate the 35th anniversary of Hello Kitty. Sure, your kids may just want a nice, big plush toy to hug since because you forgot about them, but this cute little toy will make every Hello Kitty hug feel just like one from your One Percent friend: Cold, hard, and no life to be found, with its 1939 pieces of white topaz, 403 pink sapphires, two black spinels to represent your friend’s cold, dead eyes, and a 1.027-karat diamond on Hello Kitty’s signature bow! See, no one says a good parent HAS to be there, especially not when they’re out at business meetings, with hookers, at fancy restaurants, and doing all those other things that make forgetting about their kids a breeze!

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Antarctic Nail Ale

Are you going to give your One Percent friend a bottle of wine for Christmas? Pshaw! That is SO cliche! Yes, I realize wine is timeless, but there are One Percenters who are less interested in being timeless and more interested in being hip, trendy, and just plain cool. And what’s hip, trendy, and cool? Craft beers! Australia’s Nail Brewing Company can help you out with this one. They’ve been producing craft beers for over ten years, and one of their concoctions is Antarctic Nail Ale. No, it’s not an India Pale Ale, which is the go-to voice of cool beers, but tell me something: What IPA was brewed with ice straight out of Antarctica? Yes, it was flown in in the form of an iceberg, melted in Tasmania, then taken to Perth to be used in this brew. Unfortunately, I can’t get a description of the flavor notes contained in this beer, but that’s excusable; only 30 bottles were ever produced. They range in price from $800 to $1815 per bottle. The fact that no one knows what it tastes like is just as well. A good One Percenter isn’t going to drink it, after all. They’re just going to look at it and let it sit, going up in value.

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Blendtec Smoother Q-Series 20 Amp

It was between this or a saucepan, but I thought the saucepan was more of something your One Percent friend would give as a gift to Jeeves. A blender is more of a true do-it-yourself meal-maker, and this sucker is one of the most powerful out there. More to the point is that blenders tend to be loud, but the 20 Amp here is equipped with a copolyester sound enclosure and a muffled motor, so your friend can get their juicing done in peace and quiet worthy of the yoga classes they’re making the smoothie for! And the designers are even willing to reduce the height of it by eight inches by building it into your countertop! This baby costs $1199.95. That may seem a little low, but Blendtec also offers a six foot tall frozen food dispenser with paristoltic pumps that can place six different items into the 20 Amp. It’s sold separately at $22,105.

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Leiber Precious Rose

Your One Percent friend is rich. But they’re not running around with that cash hanging out of their pockets, are they? Yeah, sure, they COULD do it – they can afford to pay for the protection that would keep them from getting mugged. But there’s also the horrible inconvenience of it. So what do they put that money in? Handbags! And here’s a rich handbag worthy of a rich person. Judith Leiber’s unique handbag has a unique rose shape you just won’t find with other bags, but it also has a whole lot more going on. The $92,000 price tag also buys the metallic kidskin, 1016 diamonds, 1169 pink sapphires, and 800 pink tourmalines which line it. The metal parts are made out of 18-karat white gold. Yeah, maybe it comes across as a little bit extravagant, but you’re rich, and that makes you an elegant, unique snowflake. And yes, this thing is unique; only one was ever made.

Image result for gng golden delicious iphone case

GnG Golden Delicious iPhone Case

If your One Percent friend has to do things that are considered “practical” – like, you know, carrying their wallet in a fancy bag – that means they probably need to carry other things too. And you’re not about to let your One Percenter carry their precious phone in a plastic shell like some kind of sucker, are you? That’s why there’s the Golden Delicious! The culmination of 12 months of development, this kingly $100,000 phone holder has a 1mm subshell made with 140g of 18-karat gold, a carbon fiber inlay, and 200 diamonds. The outer logo features another 400 diamonds, but it can also be customized! Customization prices will vary depending on what’s used for material.

Image result for gold striker 3gs iphone supreme

Goldstriker 3GS iPhone Supreme

The current president of the United States is all about gold. No, he doesn’t know anything about how to actually earn it, or make it in any way, but he certainly knows how to surround himself with it at every turn. This cell phone is something he would be proud to say he created! Stuart Hughes of Goldstriker International is known for giving plebe items like phones and video game consoles the Supreme treatment: Decking out their halls with gold and diamonds. This $3.2 million treatment for the 3GS iPhone places it in a casing of 271 grams, 22-karat solid gold. It trims the screen with 53 1-karat diamonds, covering the home button with a rare 7.1-karat diamond. The price also gets a nice granite case with Kashmir gold and Nubock top grain leather interior lining. It’s exactly the sort of phone that the sitting president, who famously considers the White House bathroom a downgrade from his gold-plated bathroom in New York City, would love! Okay, well, he might consider this beneath him too, but still.

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Detective Comics #37

The May 1939 edition of Detective Comics must have seemed like any other edition of the comic series. It was about a detective, right? Except this particular detective was dressed in a black and gray suit that vaguely emulated a bat. The character caught on, and today, Detective Comics #37 is known as the first-ever appearance of Batman. Yeah, this is an important collector’s item. It can auction for $1.38 million. For contrast, Batman didn’t get his first officially-titled comic until spring of 1940. That one runs for a paltry $359,000.

Image result for goldloft 18k gold dumbbells

Goldloft 18K Gold Dumbbells

From the catalog of Miss Gwyneth this year, you have evidence: Lifting solid gold can make you stronger. So will lifting the $125,000 price tag in dollar bills.

 

The 2017 Extinct List

The 2017 Extinct List

Well, that time has finally come again. We all hate the big stuff, but it’s the small stuff that gets sweated. We like to tell everyone to take chill pills and to not sweat the small stuff, but we can’t really avoid doing so, can we? It’s the small stuff that assaults us every day of our lives. If it weren’t for the small stuff, we might not get so easily triggered about the big stuff, to the point where we get set off in spurts of outrage at points where keeping a cool head might help us prevail. Thus, this list. A list of the little things that have been driving everyone – but mostly me – absolutely bonkers in the last year. And so, without further ado, I give you the 2017 Extinct List, the list of all the small things that drive us (but mostly me) nuts to the point where we (I) need to see them driven to extinction.

Bad Traffic Mergers

Maybe you’re lucky. Maybe you don’t live in a place where the definition of traffic means a two-hour, bumper-to-bumper drive 15 miles to and from work with a crowd of surrounding drivers who can’t drive in the rain, which is supposed to be their element! Traffic always sucks, doubly so if there’s a lot of it, and our seeming inability to merge causes it to be worse. Bad mergers are usually the ones holding everyone up in spots which are hypothetically fast-moving, but where the delays have a habit of hitting us the hardest. You wonder why that glorious 60-MPH freeway is moving so slow at rush hour? Bad mergers are the usual culprit. Perhaps the worst aspect of bad mergers is the fact that in order to survive, you may end up turning into one yourself. I know there’s a way to merge without slowing down traffic, but it seems pointless now.

Limited Release Movies

Maybe that’s not the best term – I’m thinking more along the lines of movies that you’re dying to see only to find out they haven’t been released in any theaters close to you. That kind of nullifies the whole point of advertising or reviewing the movie, doesn’t it? It sort of tells the interested audience, “Here it is! You can’t see it. We only intend it to be seen by a very specific class of people, and, ah, you’re NOT that class. No, we don’t care if the people we’re appealing to are movie nuts or not. We are haughty assholes.” It’s one thing when this happens with an independent flick – those guys don’t have a lot of money, so they can’t be all that concerned with trying to reach people in the boondocks. But even insiders with connections have taken on the habit of doing this to show off how cool they are with the hipster crowd. Cool or not to the hipsters, though, the people who make you famous will think you’re an asshole.

Taxpayer-Funded Sports Stadiums

So, here’s the logic of the right wing, so much as I can tell: Those huge-ass tax cuts? They’re for LE PEOPLE! Except that the people aren’t actually having their taxes cut. The people getting their taxes cut are the rich people, who create all those jobs overseas. Or something? Well, sports stadium logic operates pretty much the same way: Give your sports owners money, and they’ll use it to build a new stadium for their team, and give them more money, and something about community investment? Yeah, this is right wing bullshit. The billionaires can build stadiums all by themselves, but they won’t, but they’ll take all our money and skip town anyway if we don’t do it for them. Because that’s how conservatives think. They’re all about self-sufficiency and pulling themselves up, long as someone else does all of it for them. Yet, when asked to produce proof of any public-funded sports stadium ever coming up with a profit for a city or any civic improvements, everyone has come up short.

Overly Expensive Sandwiches

Somebody please tell me when we all became rich. Unless we’re going into a national fast food giant that specializes in food with quotation marks, we’re paying upwards of five bucks for a sandwich made with bread and ordinary ingredients we find at the grocery store. For the price we pay at the local cafe for one sandwich, a lot of the time, we could just buy all the stuff the sandwich is made from and eat for a week. There’s such a thing as a good money-to-food ratio. I hate to tell people this, but the quality of big chain restaurants isn’t the only thing forcing millennials to learn how to cook.

Anti-Millennial Raging

People seem to be of two minds about us Millennials. First, they whine about us spending money on smartphones. Then they turn right around and scream about how we’re NOT wasting money on the following things: Diamonds, which are nothing but large, sparkly rocks made at the expense of slave labor and made expensive by falsified scarcity and made into essential marriage tradition by a 1930’s ad campaign from De Beers; the golf industry, which means we waste money on sets of metal sticks which are used for nothing but hitting small white balls – which we also paid for – very long distances in large private organizations for which we pay and arm and a leg; napkins, which are smaller, more bittle versions of paper towels; and gambling, for which we pay very large sums of money for nothing in return. In the meantime, we can’t afford to do much of anything on the meager salaries people bitching about us pay us. Then they whine about how we stagnate the economy. Just so we’re clear.

Sega Classic Game Collections

I guess I’m not quite finished with these things yet after all. Pay $20, you get a collection of 40 games, which is pretty reasonable. Pay $70 for a mini-version of the Genesis with over 80 classic Genesis games… Except nearly 30 are shovelware games, around 15 are Game Gear and Master System games, and the remaining 40 are mostly found on the $20 collection I just mentioned. Folks, those of us in the know about video games call this a scam.

Early Christmas

The morons on the right want you to think there’s some sort of war against Christmas. And they’re playing limitless Christmas music starting in October now, putting up the decorations right alongside the Halloween decorations.

Novelty Flavored Spirits

I just don’t like them.

Long Coffee Shop Lines

When we’re in a hurry, there’s no need to discern between roasts and beans. Coffee, after all, is a medical necessity – we get up and we don’t really function without it. But getting it does present us with the problem of having to wait in line much of the time, which is bad enough in and of itself. Then there’s that one bastard right in front of you who fancies themself a professional taster and expert. They ask where the beans are from, how they’re roasted, and they’ll go out of their way to personally take the coffee cup and write down the recipe, telling the barista what to do. In the meantime, there you are, late for the bus, waiting around while this fucker argues about the price and the exact amount of double skim milk going into his coppa latte. And all you want is your basic drip. Black.

National Chain Pizzas

Has ANYONE ever had one of these that was any good? There’s a reason these places are constantly getting attacked – the pizza tastes like cardboard. It’s pretty much inedible. For some reason, though, no one seems to be able to help reaching for their phone numbers at the earliest inconvenience. It’s not like the small places that are good don’t deliver. It seems to be that people are just too lazy to do the simple Google research that would enable them to find out what is and isn’t worth their money. And so we get A-grade junk like Domino’s, Papa John’s, Pizza Hut, and Little Caesar’s ruling over the pizza racket with an iron fist in far too many places.