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The Ultimate Buffalo Quiz Answers

The Ultimate Buffalo Quiz Answers

 

1 – How did the roof of the old Peace Bridge Arena collapse?

13 inches of snow fell onto the roof. Come on, you had to realize there wasn’t going to be another real answer to this question.

2 – Which famous building in Buffalo is 97% unoccupied?

Seneca Tower. And seeing as how this almost-40-story monstrosity is Buffalo’s tallest building, don’t you think that it’s MAYBE time to blow this ugly fucker to the ground? Those tenants who aren’t there may be trying to tell us something. Hell, let’s wipe out the Buffalo Convention Center and repurpose the base of Seneca Tower to be a new convention center. It would kill two birds with one stone.

3 – At the turn of the 20th Century, Buffalo was home to more millionaires than any other city in the world. Where did they live?

Delaware Avenue. Millionaire’s Row. Most of the old houses are still up, repurposed as office buildings, but walking along Delaware can give one the feeling of how important and powerful Buffalo once was.

4 – The first chancellor of the University of Buffalo later became President of the United States. He was a Buffalo native. Who was he?

Millard Fillmore. How many things in Buffalo are named after him?  He was a pretty active community guy for most of his life.

5 – Buffalo sports fans all know the Los Angeles Clippers started as the Buffalo Braves, but they’re actually the second NBA team originally founded in Buffalo. What was the first?

The Atlanta Hawks were created in 1945 as the (say it with me!) Buffalo Bisons. Unfortunately, since professional basketball back then was a crazy cousin sport, no one came out for them, and their owner was compelled to pack it in after 13 games. It was three more moves before they came to their permanent home in Atlanta, but it was their home just before Atlanta where they came of age: As the St. Louis Hawks, the team found its identity, became a marquee team, and won its only Championship.

For the record: Upstate New York has a rich and deep history with professional basketball. The oldest team in the league is the Sacramento Kings; they started out as the Seagram’s Factory team, eventually turning pro as the Rochester Royals and winning their only title in 1950. Sadly for them, they moved three times, and still haven’t found any sure footing; any time the NBA throws about ideas for new markets, the Kings are always among the first teams mentioned as a candidate to be moved. And further east, in Central New York, there were the Syracuse Nationals. They moved too, but their saga has a much happier ending than that of Upstate New York’s other teams. They’re the team credited with inventing the shot clock, and they won a title in 1954 before Syracuse was deemed too small to hold a professional team. But they needed just one move to find a permanent home, where they have since forged their identity, won a couple more titles, fielded some of the NBA’s greatest, and ultimately created themselves as a legend. They ply their trade today as the Philadelphia 76ers.

6 – How much snow did the Blizzard of 1977 actually drop?

Believe it or not, the blizzard which is the standard that all other blizzards are judged against dropped only 12 inches of snow. What Buffalo got smacked upside the head with, though, was a brutal windstorm that blew all the snow in from off Lake Erie, so all the snow over the lake landed in Buffalo and built right up, so those 12 inches turned into several feet.

7 – What well-known song by the Goo Goo Dolls (Buffalo natives) is about a street in Buffalo?

“Broadway.” John Rzeznik said so in order to drive confused non-Buffalonians from the idea that “Broadway” was about that famous street in New York City.

8 – Buffalo’s annual National Buffalo Wing Festival was started in 2002. It began because a character made a reference to visiting Buffalo for a fictional chicken wing festival in what 1999 movie?

Osmosis Jones. The second the term floated from Bill Murray’s mouth, everyone in the city knew the National Buffalo Wing Festival was a thing that had to happen. Even the critic who reviewed the movie asked right in his review, why on Earth don’t we have one of those things? Time from Osmosis Jones to inaugural festival was under three years – fast in any political sense, but hitting the hyperdrive by Buffalo standards. That should tell you everything about how strong the people of Buffalo felt about getting this off the ground.

9 – There have been several movies at least partially filmed in Buffalo but not set there. What movie was set there but filmed in the city which is geographically further away from it than any other city in the mainland United States?

Bruce Almighty took place in Buffalo. While some of the overhead and background shots were done in Buffalo to give the movie a more authentic look, all the ground action was shot in San Diego. What really sucks is that Jim Carrey is a well-known champion of Buffalo and a big star with pull. It seems to me that he let this happen.

Buffalo ‘66 is the defining Buffalo movie. It takes place in Buffalo. It was shot in Buffalo, with clear scenes involving both known landmarks and neighborhoods. It’s about an obsessive Bills fan. Hide in Plain Sight starred James Caan, who loved his experience in Buffalo so much that he promised to return for another movie shoot in the future – and kept that promise. Ironweed and Nobody’s Fool had nothing to do with Buffalo, but they took place in Upstate New York.

10 – What Bills quarterback retired and went on to a distinguished political career which eventually resulted in his receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom?

Jack Kemp served three terms in the House with three different districts in New York. He made a bid at the presidency in 1988 but didn’t get the nomination. Under George HW Bush, he served as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, and was Bob Dole’s running mate in 1996. Upon his death in 2009, Barack Obama posthumously awarded him the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Kemp is still the only quarterback to win a championship playing for the Buffalo Bills. He led the team to two AFL titles, in 1964 and 1965.

11 – “Buffalo” wings are so-named, at least nationally, because they were invented in Buffalo. (Though we refer to them as just wings, or chicken wings if we’re being formal.) What restaurant in Buffalo invented them?

Anchor Bar, and this is by far the easiest question I asked on this quiz. If you missed it, you’ll never be a true Buffalonian. And if you have anything to do with Buffalo Wild Wings, the people of Buffalo are legally obligated to kill you. We’re embarrassed and ashamed that there’s a Buffalo Wild Wings anywhere within a 50-mile radius of the city.

12 – What bona fide soccer legend played the final five games of his storied career in Buffalo?

Eusebio played his last five games for the Buffalo Stallions in 1980, scoring his final goal for them. His career saw him score 580 total goals in 575 appearances. He was the keystone of Portuegese club Benfica during most of his career. Benfica won the Premeira Liga 11 times and the 1962 European Cup with him on the roster.

13 – What kind of building structure does Buffalo have more of than any other city in the world?

Grain Elevators. After lots of debate about what the city should do with an enormous grain elevator collection which once fed the entire world, Buffalo has found some unique ways of repurposing them. Some have been turned into a tourist trap on the Buffalo River. Others have been turned into novelty paintings. Maybe there’s hope yet.

14 – Who is Sal?

I’ve got an old mule and her name is Sal                                                                                       15 years on the Erie Canal

There’s a restaurateur named Salvatore in Buffalo who frequently buys out unsold Bills tickets to get around the league’s blackout rules, but he’s Salvatore. The mule is Sal.

15 – What famous architect once referred to Buffalo as “the world’s best-planned city?”

Frederick Olmsted. Olmsted died in 1903, though, so he didn’t live through the abominations that are Main Place Mall and the Buffalo Convention Center, which are not only hideous but choke off traffic downtown.

16 – At the turn of the millennium, what was Buffalo dangerously close to hinging its entire economic development plan on?

A fishing store. Yes, this nearly happened. The Sabres had moved into their new arena and Memorial Auditorium was rotting, so someone asked why they shouldn’t repurpose it as a Bass Pro flagship. Bass Pro liked the idea. The great absurdity of the whole thing was how much emphasis got placed on the fact that a fake waterfall would be in the middle of the place. Because all the tourists who pass through Buffalo on their way to see a waterfall are going to do it in a fishing store, right?

17- What beloved building in Buffalo ended up starting a national trend for its particular kind of facility?

Pilot Field… NorthDunnCoke… Whatever the fucking name splashed on it now is. Everyone in my generation refuses to think of it as anything other than Pilot Field. Whatever the name, though, it impressed a lot of people. When the Baltimore Orioles noticed, they basically pointed at Pilot Field and said, “We want THAT, but bigger!” They even hired the same architecture firm to create it. Camden Yards sprung up, every other team suddenly wanted it, and MLB went retro.

18 – What condiment is extremely popular on Beef on Weck, even though most people hate it?

Horseradish. You can beg me that you love it, but I still won’t believe you.

19 – What sport has never been played professionally at First Niagara Center?

Figure skating, which is kind of funny given Buffalo’s proclivity toward winter. As for the others, let’s go down the list:

Roller hockey: The Buffalo Stampede played for two years… And they were good! They won their league championship in their first year in front of a crowd of 14,000 people! The team folded and relocated a couple of times only to return in 1999 as the Buffalo Wings.

Arena football: The Buffalo Destroyers ran from 1999 to 2003, when they were relocated to Columbus. They did about as good as the current Bills.

Lacrosse: The Buffalo Bandits were created in 1992 and have consistently been one of the most exciting and powerful teams in the National Lacrosse League. They’re currently the longest-running team in the league, and have four titles in nine final appearances to show for it. Lacrosse was seen as a weird sports diversion when the Bandits were formed; now they’re a popular and beloved civic institution Buffalonians can’t imagine the city without.

Indoor soccer: The Buffalo Blizzard played from 1992 to 2001. Although they weren’t great, they were usually respectable. They folded when their league, National Professional Soccer League II, called it quits.

20 – What unique marking helps distinguish the official flag of the City of Buffalo?

Lightning bolts. They come from the early 20th Century, when Buffalo was one of the first cities in the world powered by electricity and became known as the City of Light.

21 – What building did Ani DiFranco purchase and move Righteous Babe Records into to prevent it from being demolished?

Asbury Delaware United Methodist Church. DiFranco herself seems to feel less one way and the other about Buffalo, though. She moved to New Orleans a long time ago.

22 – What makes the NFTA Lightrail unique?

All of the above. The rail was supposed to run to UB North, but it only got to UB South by the time it opened. The city said fuck it and runs it anyway.

The Ultimate Buffalo Quiz

The Ultimate Buffalo Quiz

I recently took an online quiz to test my Buffalo-ness through the local slang language. Of course, I passed, but I also had a major issue with the test: It’s virtually impossible to fail it. Each question had three answers, and two of them would be obvious elimination fodder.

That was a little upsetting. The thing with spending as much time as I have in Buffalo is that you learn that, for better and worse, the city never really leaves you. It was a blow to my pride to end up acing something that could so easily be aced by any onlooker from Seattle who was paying attention. So I came up with a simple solution: It was time to create my own quiz. The Ultimate Buffalo Quiz! Let’s separate the Nickel City urbanites from the pretenders and weed out who the real expats are. And I want to make this sucker as difficult as possible. I’m going to include things that even longtime Buffalo residents probably shouldn’t be expected to know.

1 – How did the roof of the old Peace Bridge Arena collapse?

  1. The whole place got in the way of a speeding tornado.
  2. 13 inches of snow fell onto the roof.
  3. Basic rust in a rainy July after being left unattended for too long.
  4. Poor architecture.

2 – Which famous building in Buffalo is 97% unoccupied?

  1. Seneca Tower
  2. The Buffalo and Erie County Public Library
  3. Gold Dome
  4. Hotel Lafayette
  5. Wilcox Mansion

3 – At the turn of the 20th Century, Buffalo was home to more millionaires than any other city in the world. Where did they live?

  1. North Tonawanda
  2. Old First Ward
  3. Grand Island
  4. Masten Park
  5. Delaware Avenue

4 – The first chancellor of the University of Buffalo later became President of the United States. He was a Buffalo native. Who was he?

  1. Grover Cleveland
  2. Theodore Roosevelt
  3. Millard Fillmore
  4. William McKinley
  5. Thomas Jefferson

5 – Buffalo sports fans all know the Los Angeles Clippers started as the Buffalo Braves, but they’re actually the second NBA team originally founded in Buffalo. What was the first?

  1. Atlanta Hawks
  2. Philadelphia 76ers
  3. Boston Celtics
  4. Sacramento Kings
  5. Portland Trail Blazers

6 – How much snow did the Blizzard of 1977 actually drop?

  1. 30 inches
  2. 42 inches
  3. 93 inches
  4. 12 inches

7 – What well-known song by the Goo Goo Dolls (Buffalo natives) is about a street in Buffalo?

  1. “Slide”
  2. “Fallin’ Down”
  3. “Name”
  4. “Broadway”
  5. “Iris”

8 – Buffalo’s annual National Buffalo Wing Festival was started in 2002. It began because a character made a reference to visiting Buffalo for a fictional chicken wing festival in what 1999 movie?

  1. Galaxy Quest
  2. Fight Club
  3. Osmosis Jones
  4. The Matrix
  5. Varsity Blues

9 – There have been several movies at least partially filmed in Buffalo but not set there. What movie was set there but filmed in the city which is geographically further away from it than any other city in the mainland United States?

  1. Bruce Almighty
  2. Buffalo ‘66
  3. Hide in Plain Sight
  4. Ironweed
  5. Nobody’s Fool

10 – What Bills quarterback retired and went on to a distinguished political career which eventually resulted in his receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom?

  1. JP Losman
  2. Jack Kemp
  3. Frank Reich
  4. Dennis Shaw
  5. Bruce Mathison

11 – “Buffalo” wings are so-named, at least nationally, because they were invented in Buffalo. (Though we refer to them as just wings, or chicken wings if we’re being formal.) What restaurant in Buffalo invented them?

  1. Buffalo Wild Wings
  2. Duff’s
  3. Anchor Bar
  4. La Nova
  5. Just Pizza

12 – What bona fide soccer legend played the final five games of his storied career in Buffalo?

  1. Diego Maradona
  2. Steven Gerrard
  3. George Best
  4. Garrincha
  5. Eusebio

13 – What kind of building structure does Buffalo have more of than any other city in the world?

  1. Big blue water towers
  2. European-style gothic churches
  3. Grain elevators
  4. Canal locks
  5. Brutalist-style skyscrapers

14 – Who is Sal?

  1. The vicious boss of the old Buffalo Mafia
  2. A mule from an old folk song about the Erie Canal
  3. The enforcer who protected Gilbert Perrault
  4. A high-spirited greeter who was often seen in Main Place Mall
  5. Owner of a high-end restaurant chain

15 – What famous architect once referred to Buffalo as “the world’s best-planned city?”

  1. Frederick Olmsted
  2. Louis Sullivan
  3. Rem Koolhaas
  4. Ieoh Ming Pei
  5. Zaha Hadid

16 – At the turn of the millennium, what was Buffalo dangerously close to hinging its entire economic development plan on?

  1. Catholic tourism
  2. A novelty citywide art endeavor called Herd About Buffalo
  3. A haunted asylum
  4. A fishing store
  5. A museum dedicated to Nikola Tesla

17- What beloved building in Buffalo ended up starting a national trend for its particular kind of facility?

  1. Harborcenter
  2. The Electric Building
  3. Buffalo City Hall
  4. Pilot Field
  5. The Guaranty Building

18 – What condiment is extremely popular on Beef on Weck, even though most people hate it?

  1. Sweet Relish
  2. Horseradish
  3. Soy Sauce
  4. Vinaigrette
  5. French Dressing

19 – What sport has never been played professionally at First Niagara Center?

  1. Roller hockey
  2. Arena football
  3. Lacrosse
  4. Figure skating
  5. Indoor-style soccer

20 – What unique marking helps distinguish the official flag of the City of Buffalo?

  1. A light bulb
  2. A bison
  3. The state motto of New York
  4. Two hands clasped, shaking each other
  5. Lightning bolts

21 – What building did Ani DiFranco purchase and move Righteous Babe Records into to prevent it from being demolished?

  1. Asbury Delaware United Methodist Church
  2. Washington Square
  3. Pearl Street Bar and Grill
  4. The Darwin Martin House

22 – What makes the NFTA Lightrail unique?

  1. It makes Buffalo the smallest city in the world with a subway.
  2. It was never completed.
  3. It uses overhead wires instead of a third rail.
  4. All of the above.

Birth of a Traveler

While I’m wasting the rest of my life in Seattle, I recently decided that it’s time for me to begin truly pursuing one of my lifelong dreams: International travel. And I decided that I’m finally in a good enough position to be able to do it.

The first step to overseas travel, of course, is figuring out just what the hell it is I’m going to be doing. But everyone I ever knew who’s been overseas tells me that’s more of a learn-as-you-do-it experience, so with that now out of the way, it’s now time to begin work on the second step: Paperwork!

Yes, paperwork. One day, a long long time ago, some government officials sat down and asked themselves how they could make money off potential travelers while also discouraging the poorer people who propped them up from leaving their homes for three days. The thing they came up with was to make everyone pay a fee for a piece of paper with your information on it. You know, something that wasn’t your birth certificate, voter registration, tax record, or horse license.

I’ve never applied for a passport before, but I did learn one important thing so far about doing it: There’s no shortcutting a way around it. If you’re an aspiring traveler who frequents travel websites, you’re probably familiar with all the online ads you see about how you can get your passport rushed to you for $100 with a next-day delivery. No fuss, no muss, a deal that looks suspiciously great. I’m a natural skeptic, so this was another point where I again turned to my globetrotting friends. They confirmed my skepticism.

Getting my hands on a proper passport means doing it the hard way. Get the paperwork, get the birth certificate, get the old New York driver’s license, and fill everything out by hand. Pay the damned fee. So here I’m finally off to the post office now to grab the forms and ask every question that I can think of.

I haven’t figured out where I want to go first yet, but it damn well better be worth it.

The Real Ones: An Anthem for Buffalo

The Real Ones: An Anthem for Buffalo

You may have noticed that a lot of cities get contemporary songs written about them. Buffalo, sadly, has been lacking, which is funny for a city which spent the first half of the 20th Century being so prominent. So I decided to write the lyrics for a song about Buffalo’s old guard. This is my first attempt at songwriting ever. Now, I tend to write a lot of dark stuff, and this song is set from the point of view of an older resident of Buffalo who believes that trying to make everything the way it was before the march of progress destroyed the city will restore it to greatness.

No one’s bothered by the cold                                                                                                   We’re a guard that’s fighty and old                                                                                      Shoving heads into frozen white sand                                                                                Though we were once a promised land                                                                                    Kids file out with degrees underarm                                                                                    They’re not as real as us

Everyone is wrong                                                                                                                            We know what we are                                                                                                                We’re the tough ones                                                                                                                       We know our past was right

Corporate steel killed our jobs                                                                                                       Made us into mindless pack mobs                                                                                              Back in the day, everything was right                                                                                            In our past, the city basked in light                                                                                    Progress must be pretty bad because                                                                                   Breaks don’t come for us

We know we’re strong                                                                                                                That’s just how we are                                                                                                                    We’re the hard ones                                                                                                                        The future can’t be bright

Now our home can’t clean its slate                                                                                              Our football team lost four straight                                                                                              Hot bird wings helped bring us fame                                                                                     Other places just think we’re lame

Being tough is all we’ve got                                                                                                         With our once-big city left to rot                                                                                             Being modern won’t cross our mind                                                                                        Being great means we must be blind                                                                                               It’s a price we pay                                                                                                                             For being real

We’re the old guard                                                                                                                         The old ways were best                                                                                                              We’re the real ones                                                                                                                          We don’t care for the rest

Perhaps the Worst Movie: The Room

Perhaps the Worst Movie: The Room

“I do not know just how to write about or describe this thing. I have never in my life seen such a horrific mishmash of elements which are very bad in and of themselves, very badly executed, very badly mixed up with each other, completely out of left field, nonsensical as hell, and ramped up to about 13 on the manic madcap scale to top all the rest of it off.”

I wrote that back in 2011, a couple of years after Netjak’s demise and before my short stint at Filmdumpster; back when I was still a critic who had some sort of clout. It was about Howard the Duck, the famous bomb that signified the start of George Lucas’s downward trajectory. Now, here I am in 2017, trying to finish off a degree and back to square one as a writer, and it once again applies to a movie I just saw: The Room. The Room doesn’t have the balls-to-the-wall mania Howard the Duck did, but Howard the Duck was about a sentient duck from a different dimension, so that’s not a trick you would want to see repeated.

There are movies about which the stories of all the chaos on the set are legendary: Steven Spielberg couldn’t get the robot shark to work for Jaws; George Lucas couldn’t get anything on the set of Star Wars to go right except the score… Those movies overcame the long odds to become beloved eternal classics anyway. Well, The Room didn’t overcome all the long odds. It was looking like a clunker at every stage in the process, and it’s a clunker. It became such a clunker that one of the stars of the movie, Greg Sestero, wrote a book about the making of the movie. (The book, for those wondering, is called The Disaster Artist, and it quickly became my favorite book about the movie industry ever.) Tommy Wiseau, the man who wrote, produced, directed, and starred in The Room, had a private toilet made up for him on the set; two film crews quit on him; Sestero had to serve in a variety of other positions…

The mootness of The Room is something to behold. Wiseau has earned comparisons to Ed Wood, but you get the feeling watching Wood’s movies that he was trying to make a tangible point. There are so many plot points in The Room that are ultimately of so little consequence that you would think Wiseau was a nihilist. The Room comes with a collective total of about 20 minutes of sex scenes in an hour-and-a-half running time. There are also a lot of scenes of the characters throwing around a football, at least three scenes of characters making “cheep” noises at each other after calling each other chicken, and two characters – one named Peter and one unnamed – who seem to pop up out of nowhere. And this is coming from a movie with an excess of unresolved plot threads: One character DEFINITELY (emphasis hers) has breast cancer. Another character owes money to a drug dealer. Two more randomly break into the main character’s apartment for quickies. All three of those threads are precisely one scene long.

In The Disaster Artist, Sestero confessed that at some point, most of the actors just stopped trying. Sestero, who invented a backstory for his character in an attempt to be able to play the random aspects of him, was convinced that The Room would never make it to the theaters. This is reflected in the performances of most of the other actors too, save Carolyn Minnott and Robyn Paris. (Paris plays her role as Michelle in a way that looks like she’s really enjoying herself. According to Sestero, she was possibly the most-liked person on the set.)

The thin strand of plot that exists in The Room revolves around Creep One, Queen of Evil, and Plain-O. Okay, their names are respectively Johnny, Lisa, and Mark. But Johnny has a creepy side, Lisa is evil, and Mark is so plain that the script projects features onto him almost at will. Johnny and Lisa are engaged. Lisa is bored and decides she doesn’t love Johnny anymore. Lisa starts having an affair with Mark. That sums up the movie. Yes, there are a lot of scenes in this movie that try to trick you into thinking it has depth, but since they’re the aforementioned no-go plot threads, you’re not going to buy it. Let’s call them what they are: Padding. The Room is padded because nothing about the main plot makes any sense.

Let’s meet Johnny. Johnny is the main character, and he’s a pretty great guy. We know he’s a great guy because everyone else in the movie is a walking billboard about how great he is. In fairness to everyone, though, they have reason to think he’s great: He treats Lisa like a princess. He has a great job with a future, he supports a sort of adopted little brother by the name of Creep Two (okay, his name is Denny, but holy SHIT is he creepy), bought Lisa a car, and is pretty much a saint. Lisa has decided she’s bored with him, even though she’s known him for five years. But since she has all the emotional maturity of a cheeto, instead of simply speaking up to Johnny, she talks to Mark, who is Johnny’s best friend. Lisa starts seducing Mark on a regular basis, and although Mark is initially reluctant, he decides at one point that he’s suddenly not. The affair gets revealed at a big birthday bash for Tommy, and Tommy, despite everything else that’s been going right with his life, decides that all the walking testaments to his greatness have turned against him. Since his emotional maturity isn’t much better than Lisa’s, he swallows a gun.

There are lies aplenty told by Lisa for… Well, attention, I guess? I don’t even know. I do know that Lisa tells some whoppers, like getting hit by Johnny to being pregnant, and she’s at it through everything. Out of pure boredom, apparently. Like Mark, she seems to be written with convenience to the writer rather than a full character in mind. Unlike Mark, though, she does come with a defining characteristic: She’s the Queen of the Harpies. Her mother, Claudette, also gets a lot of crap for being manipulative, but I didn’t get that out of her; I got that she’s probably the biggest Johnny cheerleader in the movie. She’s the one advising Lisa to stay with him because he’s just such an awesome dude. So here’s what we come down to: One character betrays Johnny, another kinda, sorta, mighta, but it’s difficult to tell whether or not he’s betraying Johnny. When Johnny has the grand “realization” that everyone is against him, really he’s just pissy about getting dumped. Denny still loves him. Claudette still loves him. Peter still loves him. Michelle still loves him. Mark has a last epiphany and decides he still loves him. The weird person who only came into the movie in the last 15 minutes and gave a great lecture on how much Mark and Lisa’s shenanigans would hurt him still loves him. And yes, that’s a thing that happens.

I’m convinced that all the go-nowhere threads were brought into the movie in an attempt to give it more depth, and that the reason they don’t go anywhere is partly because there are way too many of them, and partly because Wiseau didn’t have any idea what he was doing. Sestero wrote in The Disaster Artist about Wiseau’s attraction to Marlon Brando and James Dean, who are the vintage Method actors responsible for changing the way movie acting is done. Sestero believed that Brando and Dean were magnetic figures because they had an instinct for knowing when to go big and when to hold off. Wiseau seems to have missed that aspect of their performances. Sestero’s take is that Wiseau believed the best approach was to go big at every possible moment, and it’s hard to argue. (In Wiseau’s defense, that was the approach that worked for Charlton Heston.) Everything Wiseau does in The Room, he does with maximum intensity and enthusiasm, and this is one case where cooler heads didn’t prevail. So Wiseau created The Room trying to do his personal interpretation of what a movie should do, and not what a movie really does.

That means The Room is something that creates a lot of memorable scenes, even though they fail repeatedly as scenes. There’s a scene where Johnny visits a flower shop. That’s 20 seconds long, but it’s one of the defining scenes of the movie because the script seems to be written backwards. Yes, Denny owes money to a drug dealer named Chris-R, but that never goes anywhere. Yes, Claudette has breast cancer, but that’s hand-waved.

The Room is either awesomely bad or badly awesome. When it became an unexpected classic of midnight cinema, Wiseau got his ultimate wish – to make a classic movie that people would see and love and talk about – in the most perverse way possible. Everyone in this movie has seemingly been able to eke out a living based on it. Wiseau and Sestero have been making the rounds from it forever. Robyn Paris is working on a web mockumentary about what happened to the cast (which I can’t wait to see). People recognize everyone who was in the movie, and they’ve all spent time appearing at fan conventions and film screenings. No, The Room isn’t a work of bad movie genius – you’re thinking of Sharknado. The difference between Sharknado and The Room is that the people making Sharknado KNEW everything about their series was hackey. The Room is a bad movie made as a misguided attempt to be a good movie, and it’s the over-the-top sincerity of it combined with its master and commander’s lack of talent that sends it over the top. If you have any love for bad movies at all, you need to see this thing. It’s required viewing.

A Short List of New Classic Songs that Really Suck

A Short List of New Classic Songs that Really Suck

I guess it’s important to pick and choose the works of art our society decides to preserve because they set the bar that all future art is measured against. Well, sometimes society blows that call, and the bar ends up being set rather low.

This happens in every medium, but music is arguably the most egregious offender. Music has a sort of ubiquity that other popular mediums don’t, because it can be played and filtered into anything and everything. While you can simply flip off a bad bit of episodic television that pisses you off and avoid movies that you hated, when that shitty song wafts into your local coffee shop, you have to grit your teeth and stick it out. Usually, it’s not that big of a problem; songs are typically only a few minutes long. But then you have the super-epic classics like Don McLean, whose fucking “American Pie” is a highly regarded epic about loss of innocence on The Day the Music Died. Maybe I could put up with McLean’s warbling yern of nostalgic melodrama for a never-actually-existent time if it ran regular length, but there are over eight fucking minutes of McLean’s shit.

The following list isn’t a typical anti-classic list. This is a list of classics from my generation that blew up and are still in heavy radio rotation. I’m not sure myself if all of them will be declared classics, but the point is that people like them, so there’s a very real chance they will be one day. And my point with this list is to point out that none of them are worthy of being classics. If you claim to like them, you’re only lying to yourself. I know they suck, you know they suck, and I’m only writing out the things about them that you’re too afraid to point out: Namely, that they fucking suck and that all of them, plus their demos, remixes, and negatives should be on top of a garbage fire and not on FM radio. (PS: “From my generation” in this case means songs that I’m old enough to remember when they were new.)

“Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)”

Green Day

Here is one of the prime examples of how the misuse of bad string power chords can totally destroy a song. “Good Riddance” starts out strong – it’s a more stripped-down sound than you expect to hear from Green Day. It has no bass or drums, and Billy Joe Armstrong sits, plucking away at an acoustic guitar, singing a song which is both written and performed well. Upon a listening, it sounds like it’s destined to go on to eternal life as one of Green Day’s greatest and quirkiest… Then those fucking strings chime in. Those chords are minors in a typical progression, and they add nothing to the song. What they do instead is wreck a pointed reflection of a relationship gone sour by turning it into a standard 90’s-era weeper. A unique pop-punk song ends up turning into a piece of personified melodrama, but you do have to admire what Armstrong accomplished with it: He created a terrible 90’s weeper through bad under-composition rather than bad over-composition. That’s a hell of a trick, especially coming out of a decade where the prevailing attitude was “fuck subtlety TO THE XTREME!!!”

What’s Getting Shafted

Okay, I get it. The entire Nimrod album was a stylistic change for Green Day that everyone forgot about. But is that any excuse to forget the fun, stray cat stutter of “Hitchin’ a Ride?”  

 

“Iris”

Goo Goo Dolls

Here we have one of the big hits of 1998, a massive stomper of a single which is now the only thing anyone remembers about the time Nicolas Cage was a legitimate headliner. “Iris” was from a movie he made called City of Angels from those days. It  involves some weird time signature changes – the Dolls switch from 4/4 to 6/8 and back again on a few measures, and frontman John Rzeznik keeps most of his guitar strings tuned to D, which lends the instrument a chorus-like effect. Unfortunately for listeners everywhere, that chorus-like effect is what makes the song so overwrought and dripping in tearful sentiment that when listeners cry, their snot has the density of pancakes. What with Rzeznik’s wailing guitar, tantrum-like singing, and slow cadence, it’s tough to get the idea that the narrator of the song is HAPPY. It’s sad that it’s “Iris,” of all things, that finally got Rzeznik out of a dire case of writer’s block.

What’s Getting Shafted

A Boy Named Goo is where the band broke out, so it’s easy to forget how old they are. Before “Iris,” the Goos had a pair of hits off that album, “Name” and “Naked,” which sort of began their shift from an ordinary punk band to the mature adult themes that dominate their work today. Both songs are excellent works about lost time and aging and they both deserve as much airplay as “Iris.” But the bigger loss is their album previous to A Boy Named Goo, Superstar Car Wash, which brings out their maturity and combines that with a pop-rock catchiness. Superstar Car Wash was poised to be the breakout that A Boy Named Goo was, and there’s not a weak track on it. I want the singles from it to be heard.

 

“The Reason”

Hoobastank

Maybe you’re sensing a theme here – I can’t fucking stand overwrought love ballads. And this is not just an overwrought love ballad, it’s one with such a juvenile sense of what makes an effective love song that you would think a teenager wrote it. The lyrics include every staple of bad teenage love poetry ever written. Not being a perfect person? In there. Reason to change who the narrator used to be? The reason being the significant other? Yeah, stop me if you’ve never heard any of that before. Show a side the other person didn’t know, yada yada yada… There’s even a long shout at the end of the song, just when it starts to hit its peak. The production and instrumentation are both syrupy builders with a lot of flat, monotone power measures that of course go big during the choruses. Does that sound like every bad love song you’ve ever heard? Well, it should – that’s because “The Reason” is so trite and cliched in lyricism, instrumentals, and production that if the band playing it wasn’t so solemn and weighty, you would think they were Yankovic-ing a style parody.

What’s Getting Shafted

Literally anything at all that isn’t this fucking song.

 

“How You Remind Me”

Nickelback

Yeah yeah, we all know about how much Nickelback sucks, so you would figure it would be left off a list like this. It really goes without saying. If sales figures and acclaim are to be believed, though, “How You Remind Me” is apparently one of the best songs that came out in the later post-grunge years. Billboard and Kerrang! Both put it in top ten lists for its decade, and it’s the song responsible for giving Nickelback a career. So what sucks about it? Well, the trouble is that it grew to a point that it symbolizes what grunge turned into during the mid-90’s: The stripped-down elements which defined grunge are given a brand new polish and cleaned up. More than perhaps any other song of the era, “How You Remind Me” plays right into the expectations of grunge music better than any other band. One of the things that made grunge great was that the musicians kept playing flawed music, and so the message we get from Nickelback is that they don’t mean what they’re writing. They come off like the high school jock bad guys in an 80’s teen movie trying to be a grunge band.

What’s Getting Shafted

The Foo Fighters, for one thing. Nirvana’s former drummer is their frontman, and their music can easily be described as grunge without the anguish. The wave of post-grunge bands was led by Bush, who are also getting a raw deal from Nickelback’s continued popularity. I’m not sure they were any more authentic than Nickelback, but at least they tried to sound that way.

 

“Just Dance”

Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga is a singer that I truly respect and love. When she first entered public consciousness in 2008, though, I wrote her off because “Just Dance” was her first single. Maybe this is because I don’t like or understand dance music, but the clipped marching beats, R and B-infused beats, and soaring electronics that comprise this song don’t make it sound like any major production breakthrough. In fact, it holds a resemblance to any dance club song where the deejay took a popular song from any other genre, scrubbed off the production and instrumentals, and ramped up the drum machine. Furthermore, Gaga’s interpretation of the song doesn’t help matters. Ostensibly a song about being drunk in a dance club, Gaga herself has said that “Just Dance” is there to speak for the joy in our hearts and about having a good time. Which makes it a dance version of “Don’t Worry, be Happy.”

What’s Getting Shafted

Well, we don’t hear a whole lot of the divine Lady G’s later singles on the radio right now. And some of her early singles are getting left on the curb as well. It would be nice to get an occasional “Telephone” call, you know?

 

“All the Small Things”

Blink-182

There’s only one reason people like this song, and it has nothing to do with the song. It has more to do with a clever video which jabbed and mocked every music video being made by the boy bands which took over the mainstream in the late 90’s. “All the Small Things” was recorded strictly for the point of giving the record company something basic, and in that, it succeeds; the chords run a normal progression through C, F, and G, all of which are overdubbed by extensions. Unfortunately, they all lend the song a tiny rhythm, accompanied by vocals which are just as tiny, and taken for what it is, it goes by in a sequence that feels longer than it lasts and doesn’t have any punch. The instrumentals and vocals sound like they’re fighting with each other and they take turns drowning each other out.

What’s Getting Shafted

Enema of the State wasn’t a good album, and I’ve never been a Blink-182 fan, but they did produce a gem: “What’s My Age Again.” Yes, it’s “All the Small Things” with a different chord progression, but it’s clever, has more prominent vocals, and the band doesn’t sound like it’s fighting with itself.

 

“I Will Always Love You”

Whitney Houston

This was the dawn of that weird era in the 90’s where every high-octane action movie on the planet had a powerful love theme to accompany it. And those love themes had one thing in common: They would progress and build to a sudden time signature change which the singer would then use to change octaves and blow your head inside out. “I Will Always Love You,” which came from The Bodyguard, is the point where that trend began. This isn’t so much a song as it is a tool for Whitney Houston to show off her voice. It begins with her singing in a soft a capella, and sounding pretty damn good. It might be worth listening to if it had stayed with that, but it builds into a vehicle that Houston uses to switch octaves numerous times and extend her notes. Houston wasn’t the only singer guilty of this back then – if anything, she managed to repeatedly restrict herself in many of her other songs while Mariah Carey and Celine Dion built brands on doing it. But Houston turned this kind of song from a novelty into a blight against good music, and “I Will Always Love You” was the trendsetting song as well as the most overplayed of the ones that did that. (Although Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” is a heavyweight contender in that department.)

What’s Getting Shafted

Women singers everywhere. There are a lot of versatile and talented singers who are women, but it’s rare enough that one breaks into the mainstream as it is. Now it’s even harder because this sort of cranial explosion is not just expected, but required for women. There’s some hope for the future with the success of pop stars like Taylor Swift, Tove Lo, and Carly Rae Jepson, who are all more restrained singers and who all contribute their own writing to their discographies. But if you’re looking for attention from casual music “fans” in suburbia, you still need to blow up a glass factory or three.

 

“All Summer Long”

Kid Rock

Leave it to the only rapper-rocker who was any good to pull a full Puff Daddy. Now, I’m not a fan of Kid Rock, but I do have a tremendous respect for him for two reasons: One, even with his native Detroit fighting for its life, he chooses to live there and try to return it to its former glory; and two, once the rap-rock trend was finished, he changed his entire style and emerged as a country artist with a set of pipes that’s legitimately good. That being said, “All Summer Long” ends up stealing from Warren Zevon, whose “Werewolves of London” is the musical base for “All Summer Long,” and Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama” is so ingrained into the song that Kid Rock keeps shouting out to it. Why do we keep hearing it?

What’s Getting Shafted

Warren Zevon was one of the greatest songwriters who ever lived. I’m not keen on Lynyrd Skynyrd – if they weren’t out of my generational loop, “Free Bird” DEFINITELY would be on this list, and “Sweet Home Alabama” might have made it too – but they had their moments.

 

“I Gotta Feeling”

Black Eyed Peas

I don’t even have to get into the standard rant about how the presence of Fergie ruined this group. Before she came into the group, the Black Eyed Peas were one of the most exciting and innovative groups in rap. Fergie seemed to come with the addition of the autotuner, which in turn came with a willingness to sell out. “I Gotta Feeling” is the sound of the Peas saying fuck it, time to sell, Sell, SELL! Composed in G major, the bulk of the song is a throbbing dance beat with futuristic synthesizers and a tick-tock rhythm. The lyrics keep saying the Peas get the feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night, and for some reason, they spend a bulk of time saying Mazel Tov. This song is an exercise in how much hammering your skull can take.

What’s Getting Shafted

The early work of the Black Eyed Peas.

 

“Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it)”

Beyonce

I swear, this idea that Beyonce is some groundbreaker is one idea I’ll probably never come to understand. “Single Ladies” is another heavyset dance song, in which the apparent queen of female empowerment sings about how a guy she was once committed to never bothered to marry her, so she left him. That’s at least part of a narrative, but it gets drowned out by robotic sounds and echo chorus. The true narrative of the song gets lost by the only part of “Single Ladies” that people remember, which is the part that says if they liked it, they should have put a ring on it, and the fact that Beyonce’s voice is overshadowed by more layers of her own voice. For something that’s supposed to have depth, that’s hardly the point the listeners should be taking away from the song.

What’s Getting Shafted

Beyonce’s voice, which is incredible when taken for what it is. Since production seems to be the bulk of what makes Beyonce who she is, a stripped-down bit of work could show music aficionados that she really is more than a voice and some studio wizardry. As it is, I’m not seeing her as much more than a former girl group star.

 

The Radio Star was Never Killed

The Radio Star was Never Killed

Everyone knows the radio star was officially declared dead in August of 1981, and that the apparent cause of death was murder by video. It’s cliche now. In fact, it was cliche back then – they made a song about it which was turned into the first video showed on MTV. Eulogies were written, and the older generation of moralizers went crazy ranting about American innocence lost, and how an important art form was lost, and how blah blah blah…

I’m only two months older than MTV, so the music station and I grew up together. My parents often had it on if they wanted background noise, and I remember more than enough about the way it changed from the 80’s to the 90’s to the arguable worst network decay known to man. I remember that back then, there seemed to be legitimate reason that music video was the medium of the future and that radio was on life support and possibly terminal. Radio was supposed to die a quick and painless death, but it made a full recovery and fought its way back with a vengeance. Now if anything is in danger, it’s the video that allegedly killed radio.

Yes, that sounds pretty absurd. But think about it: When was the last time music videos were the dominant medium for discovering new music? Yes, they’re still around, and some of them are excellent. But unless you’re willing to pull yourself up from bed at some absurd hour of the day and flip on MTV while you make your morning eggs on toast, you’re not going to see them. Like every other medium, the idea of the music television station has evolved, but music stations have evolved in reverse. Whereas MTV was the trendsetting cultural juggernaut for two generations, it’s now the definition of network decay. VH1 is a glorified tabloid rag. The Box is… Well, god, I don’t even know what happened to The Box. The only stations that seem to play music videos these days are satellite spinoffs that were created to do the very thing their parent stations were first created for.

Yes, yes, there’s Youtube. Youtube is a wonderful resource full of entertaining videos, and it’s one of the most-used search engines on the internet. There’s a score of backlogged music videos on it, and a lot of live recordings of old favorite songs in case you wanted to hear those too. The problem with Youtube, though, is that all of your video hunts have to be done entirely by hand. You have to know what you want to listen to and watch, then type it into the search bar, and when it finishes playing, you’re back to square one. That means you can’t use it as background during spring cleaning unless you want to be surprised by 20 straight live versions of “Pour Some Sugar on Me” with an occasional Rascal Flatts song there to break up the monotony while you wonder how Rascal Flatts ended up on a hair band playlist.

You can see the problem there. Youtube isn’t a place where the new music rushes at you without strict command. You have to know what it is you want to hear, which can be a problem if you know the song only by the way it sounds. If you don’t know the song’s name and the artist, you have to type lyrics into Bing or Google to find those out before heading to Youtube. Basically, there’s nowhere to flip the TV to watch the videos as they get presented so you can see the video to learn the artist and the song.

When radio was forced to evolve to keep up with the times, it gave us Sirius XM. Sirius launched in 2002, and it now provides 69 channels of music and an additional 65 of talk radio about any subject you want to hear about. While the talk radio stations have commercials, the music stations don’t. They go through straight blasts of random music at all hours, and if you hear a song you like but you’ve never heard before, it’s easy to take note of the lyrics and type them into a search engine. Video stations don’t offer anything like that. Music videos can barely be considered a viable part of the mainstream now. No one anticipates new videos anymore, and when one comes out, you have to hear about it by accident.

So no, videos haven’t supplanted music the way older generations once feared they would. There are no theaters showing them, no workplaces have a TV showing random music videos, you don’t drive cars while trying to watch videos… Hell, you can’t really do much of anything while trying to watch music videos except for keeping your eyes glued to the TV set, appreciating the artistry of a well-directed video. And those aren’t coming along quite as often as they used to, either. This isn’t the 90’s anymore, where music videos that cost a million dollars so the artist could make a statement were everywhere. Most of them are just trying to to get a quick story across now. Even artists that play strong videos – Katy Perry is a notable example – aren’t as ostentatious as Madonna or Michael Jackson were.

What’s more, no one talks about the new videos they saw on whatever music video channel they preferred. Everything seems to be about whether or not you’ve heard something. There’s no controversy over music videos these days, and that’s saying something because of the sheer amount of unfiltered content from Tove Lo’s video for “Habits (Stay High),” which features the singer on a drug and sex binge which highlights the alienation she’s feeling as the narrator. The video builds to a lesbian orgy and would have caught flak in any era for that. Now it’s two years old and no one knows it’s there unless they’ve looked for Tove Lo’s video catalogue. In the meantime, artists are getting more attention when their work is played in TV commercials. (I’m looking at you, Passion Pit.)

I’m not saying music videos are done. Far from it. But the speculation that every radio artist is going to need a video presence in order to succeed is something we can now put to rest. Music videos assaulted TV for the 80’s and 90’s, and made the transition to the internet afterward. But radio came into vogue during the 1920’s and has survived everything thrown at it. The radio star is dead? Hell, that dead machine better be playing your work if you want to be a working musician.