I once caught a want ad in the local newspaper saying that if I wanted a CSI franchise in my city, I had to call 1-800-CSI-5555. Wanting some decent publicity for my hometown, I made the phone call and was immediately made the executive producer. They sent a screenwriter to help me bang out a pilot that was supposed to be sent in in a week. Everything was all set – we managed to draw the attention of a crew of acting and music A-listers to star! Unfortunately, due to New York State and City of Buffalo government regulations, the pilot episode failed to ever get off the ground. Regulations and moral questions prevented us from, you know, doing much of anything without first giving the Mayor’s office and Common Council all our money for film taxes and bribes. So here’s the long-lost script for CSI: Buffalo. You’ll just have to use your imaginations. Enjoy!
Setting: Ralph Wilson Stadium
A group of crime scene investigators is walking down the stairs in the 100 level of Ralph Wilson Stadium. They include McCoy, the well-worn Captain; Beukelski, the person who does the autopsies; Rammenhuigul, a decorated by-the-book officer; and Bonnelli, an eager rookie. They are being led down the stairs by one of the stadium cleaners.
McCoy: What seems to have happened here?
Cleaner:There’s a dead body right at row 26. You can’t miss him. You’re standing on him!
McCoy: (Quickly steps off body) Oh! I thought that platform felt suspiciously soft and squishy!
Beukelski leans down and removes the body’s jacket. It’s wearing a New England Patriots jersey with Tom Brady’s number.
Beukelski: The man is wearing a Patriots jersey. A Tom Brady jersey, no less. (Leans down to take a closer look again) Well, I can tell you he didn’t accidentally fall down the stairs.
Bonnelli: At least he had good seats.
Rammenhuigul: Don’t make fun. I’ll put it in the paperwork.
Bonnelli: You and your paperwork.
Beukelski: Yeah, looks like he took a hell of a beating. There is no consistent pattern which would indicate a fall down the stairs, and he appears to have a lot of splotchy bruises on his torso. He has shoulder pads on for some reason, which nullified some of the damage. What I find odd, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of blood around for someone who got beat up and died that way.
Rammenhuigul: There goes my faith in humanity. Who the hell would ever do a thing like this?
McCoy: You say that so much its lost all meaning. It’s Buffalo. It’s a Bills game! People get hurt! They die! Anyone who gets caught just gets fined $50 these days.
Rammenhuigul: Yeah, but it’s usually not so brutal. You! Person with the broom! Did you happen to get any sight of just what happened to this poor guy?
Cleaner: Yes, but there was no sign of him being seriously hurt. We just cleaned up the little bit of blood and all the teeth that spilled and figured he would get up and walk it off. You know Boston people. They keep telling everyone how tough they are, so I figured he’d be fine.
Bonnelli: Dude, I went to the academy in Boston. The guys there talk tough, but they’re all a buncha worthless mouth breathers. Punch me!
Cleaner punches Bonnelli several times in the face and stomach.
Cleaner: Okay, what’s your point?
Bonnelli: Boston guys can’t stand up to that kinda punishment. They’ll fall over if you flick their ears. Tough in big cities ain’t like TOUGH.
The body begins stirring
Bonnelli: (Shocked) Maybe I spoke too soon.
Beukelski: Don’t look now, but our corpse decided it’s not a corpse after all.
The body slowly gets up as the crew watches in amazement.
“Dead” Body: Oh, the cops! Boy, am I glad you guys showed up! A bunch of hooligans beat me up after the game! Luckily I was wearing shoulder pads, but I think I hit my head on as I fell.
Beukelski: Oh! Well, that explains everything!
Rammenhuigul: Not everything. Why are you wearing a Tom Brady jersey?!
“Dead” Body: Because. I’m Tom Brady.
McCoy: Oh. You look so different without your teeth!
Tom Brady: Yeah, I know. Lucky me, right? Except without my teeth, I won’t be able to blind opposing defenses anymore.
McCoy: Yeah, uh, good – lucky you, I think.
Rammenhuigul: Well, I guess I’m saved a little paperwork, but not much….
Bonnelli: Anyone else thinking what I’m thinking?
McCoy: Way ahead of ya!
As Tom Brady pulls out a mirror to check his boyish mop-top head, the four officers all take a step back at the same time, pull out their guns, and shoot him until they’re out of ammunition.
Beukelski: Well, I can say without any reservation now that Tom Brady is dead.
McCoy: To South Buffalo! To the bars!
Rammenhuigul: Drink to a good day’s work, well done!
The four officers turn to walk out of the stadium as the cleaner leaves to get the mop. Bonnelli lags a little in back to talk with the cleaner.
Bonnelli: You sure you got this mess, dude?
Cleaner: You should see some of the things I’m forced to clean up on gameday! This is no problem!
Bonnelli suddenly turns and quickly moves back down to Tom Brady’s body. He gives it a kick.
Bonnelli: And that’s for the hotel comment!